What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 01:53
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I have no regrets .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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My family never makes their pension either.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was 9 years of age.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
What thing happened to you as a child that you haven’t let go of to this day?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But ive been too sick for many years..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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Comes on , in middle age.
He knew the spot.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I don,t even have a pension.
But it wasn’t much.
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Why is my elder sister so mean?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I think the readers, may guess!
She married twice! .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
It was going to be , some day.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Ive learnt so much.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We all went to grammer schools
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
What did i know ?
I was seconnd youngest,
We were not on the streets..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I waited trembling.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
When she asked me how she looked .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As i do to all so called friends.?
He resisted the act ,that day.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She was in good health!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Who then, do I blame.?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Why did i forgive my father ?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So whats the point in blame.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She found it foreign!.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
All the time i was locked up.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I could never make a relationship work though!
My life is so biszare .
She wouldn,t have been !
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was very sick at this time too.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
One cannot live in the past .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was scared of men, in general
I will be 64.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Would this be the day?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I write beautiful poetry .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But, we were locked up after school.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
This is soul school!.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I said to her
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She loved him until the end.
So, i spoilt her more .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I couldn’t, believe it.
And i lived it daily.
Put me off passion for life!!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Was to survive, this bastard.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Im still living with it.